I was always the kind of kid who went above and beyond to earn good grades. Some kids excelled at soccer, others at dancing, but school was where I shined. It’s where I poured most of my time, focus, and energy, and honestly, it became a huge part of how I defined myself. I took pride in being “the smart kid.” That’s why, when I eventually had to withdraw from high school, it felt like a piece of my identity was being torn away. The one thing I was known for, the thing I felt I was truly good at, was suddenly gone.
My struggles with depression and anxiety began during my sophomore year and only intensified as my high school journey continued. I vividly remember hiding in the bathroom before school started, barely able to breathe or function, forcing myself to make it to class at the very last minute. I’m not sure if anyone at school noticed what I was going through, but at the time, I desperately wanted to keep it hidden. How could I explain that I was struggling to do the one thing I believed defined me? Admitting that felt impossible.
As the months passed, simply getting to school became more and more difficult. I spent most of my time at home, trying to catch up on the work I was missing, feeling buried under constant guilt. I wasn’t just miserable myself—I felt like I was dragging my entire family down with me. My parents wanted to help so badly, but nothing they said or did seemed to make a difference. I reached a point where I often felt completely numb. Yes, there were moments of intense anxiety, depression, and stress, when I shut myself away in my room, unable to function at all. But the numbness was almost worse. On the outside, I probably looked fine, but inside, I felt absolutely nothing. That’s when I realized that sometimes it’s easier to feel sadness than to feel nothing at all.
When my senior year began, my mental health declined even further. As hard as it is to admit, there were moments when I had suicidal thoughts. My mind convinced me that the world would be better off without me. Those thoughts were powerful and terrifying, but what ultimately saved me during those darkest moments was the overwhelming love I felt from my family, my friends, and my faith in God.
Eventually, I was faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life: whether or not to withdraw from high school. Surprisingly, I felt a sense of peace about it. It wasn’t the future I had planned or dreamed of, but deep down, I knew it was the path I needed to take. I was devastated—school was my thing. I loved learning, pushing myself, and striving to be better. How could I not graduate, especially during my senior year? What I had to come to terms with was that I was truly sick with a debilitating illness. The pain I was experiencing was very real—honestly, it felt ten times worse than any physical pain I had ever known. From my sophomore year onward, I had tried countless medications, supplements, and treatments, but nothing seemed to help. As much as I wanted life to continue as normal, I knew it simply wasn’t possible anymore. My journey ended up looking nothing like I had imagined.
Just before officially withdrawing from high school, I met an incredible woman who changed everything for me. She made me feel strong, capable, and brave when I felt anything but. She supported me through every step and enrolled me in the adult education program offered by my school. For the first time in a long while, I felt hopeful. Even though I was still struggling, I knew this was the right direction for me. My adult education teachers were unbelievably flexible, kind, and understanding. I cannot say enough about the adult education program at SAD#1. It was an incredible blessing in my life, just as it has been for so many others.
Since then, I’ve received the treatment I needed for my mental illness and was diagnosed with a brain malformation called Chiari Malformation—something that was likely making my mental health struggles much worse. I underwent brain surgery in January 2018, and today, I am healthier and happier than I ever thought possible. I can honestly say that there were times when I believed I would never feel okay again, but I was so, so wrong. Life has surprised me in the most beautiful ways. I recently married the man of my dreams, and just days before our wedding, we welcomed a sweet baby niece into the world. My story hasn’t been without hardship, but it has been overflowing with blessings.
I am endlessly thankful that God saved me from the dark places my mind once wandered. If you’re reading this and facing similar struggles, please hold on. Take things one day at a time. I promise that one day, you’ll look back and understand why you kept going, even when it felt impossible.
Mental illness is real, and it is frightening, but it does not get to steal our hope. Don’t let your illness define who you are—let it strengthen you. We aren’t meant to know the paths our lives will take, so let’s walk forward believing that whatever comes our way is shaping us for a greater purpose. Use your struggles to grow compassion for others, and never, ever lose hope. God is always on our side.
