My daughter’s stepmom is my best friend now—but it wasn’t always that way.
Before we ever met, things started off on the wrong foot. Back when Nick (my ex) and Savannah (his now-wife) were just dating, they took my baby to Disneyland. Savannah took a few pictures and shared them online… and I was angry. I felt uneasy, protective, and even a little jealous. But instead of letting that tension grow, Savannah chose to reach out to me directly, sending a heartfelt letter in hopes of easing my worries and laying the groundwork for a positive relationship. Here’s what she wrote:
“Hey Vanessa,
I know you’re aware of who I am by now, but I wanted to properly introduce myself. I’m Savannah, Nick’s girlfriend. I understand you may have concerns about me and Liv, and I want to personally reassure you. I would never want to overstep or make you uncomfortable. I am sympathetic to the fact that this is a big, scary change—Nick bringing someone new into your baby’s life is not easy. I would feel the same if the roles were reversed.I hope with time comes grace. This is my first time navigating this situation, and it’s scary for me too. I am doing my best to respect boundaries while forming a relationship with Liv. Any time I’ve spent with her has been invited; I’ve never forced myself on her, nor will I.
At Disneyland, I shared individual snaps of Liv only with close friends who requested updates. I made sure not to post anything broadly on social media out of respect for you. There was no intent to ‘play mommy’—I take photos of all my friends’ kids. I apologize if it made you feel otherwise.
Liv will be part of my life now, and my hope is that we learn to work together rather than against each other. Liv’s happiness and feelings are priority. You and Nick made a beautiful, amazing baby, and I am ecstatic to be a part of her life. I intend to love her as my own, without taking away from you. You are her mommy—your role is irreplaceable. I’m human, and I won’t always get it right, but my intentions are good.
Please feel free to reach out anytime.
xx,
Savannah”
When Savannah and Nick started dating, I won’t lie—I had normal feelings of jealousy. But what was even stronger was the fear of someone “replacing” me in Liv’s life. Seeing their family outings online felt like a punch to the gut sometimes, and at first, I struggled to cope. I tried to keep those feelings under control to avoid conflict, but slowly, I realized that both Nick and Savannah genuinely wanted the same thing I did: to keep Liv safe, happy, and loved. The Disneyland incident, and especially Savannah’s letter, helped me see her true intentions, and whenever jealousy resurfaced, I reminded myself of that.
It took time and multiple attempts before we could become friends. One big turning point was planning Liv’s 4th birthday party together—what we called ‘Livchella.’ Weeks of preparation, bringing our families together, and celebrating Liv’s special day went smoothly. For a moment, it felt like we had found our rhythm.
But old habits and miscommunications crept back in, and soon we found ourselves in what we jokingly call, “The Dead Zone.” Months passed before Savannah broke the ice, and we finally had an honest, adult conversation about our frustrations, our fears, and how we could co-parent effectively. Little did we know that in just a year, we would become inseparable friends. It’s proof that with open minds and open hearts, anything is possible.
One piece of advice we want to share for both “bonus moms” and biological moms is this: try to see things from each other’s perspective. If the bio mom seems unreasonable, it’s often because she’s hurting. If the bonus mom seems overstepping, she’s likely just trying to make the child feel loved and secure. It’s hard not to take things personally, but communication is everything. When feelings start to take over, talk them out.
Through our own trials—both together and separately—we never forgot who mattered most: Liv. When we finally set aside pride and ego, the magic happened. We discovered how much we had in common, and a true friendship blossomed. Today, Savannah is not just my daughter’s stepmom—she’s my best friend. Together, we share our lives, our families, and the joy of raising our children as one big, happy family.
